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these past few weeks, I become restless. My sleeping pattern becomes messed up, I don't know what times I slept or what day I awake but every time I wake up I want this pandemic to end.

I mourn for abandoned things. A lot. I keep getting flashbacks. I grief to people who left me, my old maid who was so close to me and treat me like my own mother, my girlfriends as we used to have a group name, my old neighborhood where I grew up. I love the people and I love where I lived but I realized that...

I become a hoarder of my own past

Letting go is tough however clinging to the past become burdensome

Everything becomes so overwhelmed like I'm sick of it but why do I keep doing it

I promise myself that was the last straw it happened still I loathe myself each time I fall into the same pit.

p/s: I manage to give some duit raya to my best friend for the first time ever just because she deserves it and as a belated birthday present. I love you mama :). Eid Mubarak to those who celebrate

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a reminder to myself,

Kau kawan bertahun, sudah kenal perangai antara satu sama lain, ibu bapa pun sudah berjumpa. Mesra. Tetapi disebabkan apa? ego? perasaan? hasutan dari orang lain, adakah engkau sanggup putuskan apa yang engkau namakan ia persahabatan.

Kalau ada tiga orang, yang pertama bergaduh dengan yang ketiga, apa yang perlu orang kedua buat? Memilih pihak? menjadi batu api? dengki? Tidak sayangku. Jangan menjadi orang yang aku sebutkan. 

Kenapa? Kesannya pedih, parutnya bakal jadi sopak. Sanggup engkau? Memilih pihak, menuduh melulu tanpa mendengar, menjadi batu api mengapikan apikan orang? Melaga lagakan hubungan?

Apa yang engkau dapat sayangku? Apa yang kau kejar sebenarnya? Adakah engkau puas bila engkau berada di pihak yang 'betul'? Adakah engkau merasa engkau sudah menang? Lucu

Persahabatan apa yang engkau sedang jalinkan? Wajar engkau digelar sahabat yang baik? Bertahun engkau mengenali antara satu sama lain, namun disebabkan perasaan amarah dan geram yang cuma 3 menit, engkau sanggup membuang ia.

Kau sahabat yang baik? Menjaja cerita kawan engkau ini buruk di mata orang lain? dimata masyarakat? 

Sayangku, 

engkau adalah duri dalam daging. 

gunting dalam lipatan

dan talam dua muka

Engkau tidak perlu memilih pihak, jika engkau merasa dirimu di jalan yang benar, pulihkan hubungan kalian. Rawat luka itu sebelum terlambat, bernanah dan busuk kerana

Mencegah itu lebih baik daripada merawat.

dan

Tiada penawar yang lebih baik daripada memaafkan.

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no headlights
no signs
she just went straight
in the pitch black of night

you don't know how to stop
you don't know how to break
she said go slow
but you still ignore

I just want to rest
I don't want to break the law
all you want to do is driving fast
and all your stress start to gnaw

reassurance
communication
distance
adoration

It didn't workout
to people like us

who didn't know what she wanted?
and a man who don't brave enough
to fight his ego
to combat her needs

as I stay in this maze
I watch you leave
you took my heart
along with this sunken ship

,u12

0002

Just now
I talked to Him about you

how I miss you
and I miss us
so obviously

how I ashamed
to look at what I did
and you called it confused

I hurt you
it's terrible
miserable
now I see the memories
float like bubble

we both are so obsessed
and upset
but above all
I called it to regret


at the end of my plea


".....jika benar dia bukan untuk aku, maka Kau jauhkan dia dari aku, temukan dia dengan seorang yang lebih baik dan sepadan dengan dirinya. Jika dia untuk aku dan itu yang sudah tertulis di Luh Mahfuz, maka temukanlah kami semula pada waktu yang tepat di mana waktu itu kami berdua sudah bersedia untuk bersemuka...."

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4 weeks ago
my motivation to do the task from unis was high
miss procrastination who?
assignments have left the chat
to laziness, you are removed from this group

but 3 days ago
I started to feel like a dugong
and no offense dugong
dugong is great
she is cute or whatever

but seriously,
I need my motivation back
I need my study spirit
and a tendency to stop caring about people who once not even give a shit about me tehee :>

and not to forget
missing someone who already walked out of your life
honestly honey
stop doing that
or else
you are going to fall into a miserable pit
and pity well

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the things about forgiving,
it stays in your heart but never in mind

and here I am
overthinking and over-replaying
things that make me shatter 3 or 4 years ago

and all those things didn't come from a stranger
but from someone who I called friends, proudly claim to be in my circle

how words can act
like a real stab
or make you look
like a crap


geez,
now can we sleep?

sophie

"And I hate to say I need you
I'm so reliant
I'm so dependent
I'm such a fool
When you're not there
I find myself singing the blues
Can't bear
Can't face the truth
You will never know that feeling
You will never see through these eyes"

Sam Smith (Not in The Way) 



Bik,

I didn't know that was our last sip
last hug I received
until today
I still feel the thirst

How are you?
how has life treat you
in the midst of corona

is the sky still blue
under the pink hue
the sunset starts to make sense
as all your dreams lie within

is the land still green
muddy and sludge tint
where your house up on the hill
a whole scene

is your favorite still yellow
because it shows how you are
nothing but gold
my real fellow

but Bik,
my choice is still white
it's safe and bright
forgiveness and pure

and because you had loved me
with all your joys
and I love you
so here it goes.....again

,u12