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there's a curtain of deception

like a big billboard

hanging on my window wall

so much of belief and assumption

come as phases

a whisper of perhaps and if

appear like a heavy thick cloud 

she came along with thunder of bang

could you see how immense this ambivalence?

the floor is quivering and I know you could see the bed frame has tilted

as well as the broken foot of my study table

the vacancy of my California king bed from your side,

I can't remember when was the last time I felt warm

I just know that tonight, I might sleep with a huge storm

and all of my furniture is going to sweep by floods

"your love is a hoax"

your words rewind like a broken tape

it stuck and struck with all my fears

I still feel your slow strokes

like how you painted my whole ceiling

in purple and bruise

manipulated and destructive

I'm awake from this ache

sometimes I sleep in snooze

someday I just want to sink this feeling

my baby

my house is wrecked

I have nothing left

besides stranded and bare naked

my baby...

,u12

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when you’re natural overthinker, 

alhamdulilah, this warm honey lemon taste just like how it supposed to be...

peace

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My mother who named by MM

Mother

She gave me everything that I want

She basically sold her soul and body to God

from God, she was created and 

to God, I know I have to let everything go...

everything as when the time comes

of every piece of scrape and every scent of her in the corner of this house

“You were an angel in the shape of my mum” 

Ed Sheeran (Supermarket flowers)

I was not born accidentally. It like everything was planned. A God's plan. But because of the sincerity, pure love between two lovers, and His blessing, I was born when she was 30. And it's funny how late I am to realize the gap of years we have. My mother, she is everything every woman wanted to be or wishes to be in their life. Jealousy or envy is just not the right words because we women stand and support each other. Competitive? (Maybe) Yes. To be said pretty is subjective but the way she brought herself into this world is amazing and I called it ridiculously beautiful, at least for me. Independent, intelligent, kind, stern and there are no words to describe how amazed my mother in my eyes.

She loves us. By us, I mean my siblings, my brothers, and her husband. Wholeheartedly. She loves me as a daughter though. To me, to love by her, that was more than enough because I see, I read and I know that there are (some) people who don't have the same privilege as mine. When I say privilege I cover things like a relationship, a bond between parents and children. Small talks, simple praises, small kisses, and small little things like I don't know or I can't imagine. Maybe to some parents, becoming parents means you have to sacrifice certain things in life. And I know some people not ready for it to happen soon.

Nevertheless, I am grateful for mine. I know I don't portray or display posts like everyone else. I always thought my love is quiet and....abstract? I just know that I love my parents as much as I keep their names in my prayer and I slowly perceive myself becoming like them.

My mother

It all started when I was young, sick, and naughty. That's what she always said to me. She teaches me mathematics. It just seems like yesterday, I still remember I failed to do my homework and catch up with the subtopic. I don't know how to solve the division question. Lol. And because of that, I have to sit in my pajamas on Saturday morning to the lunch hour just to make myself really really powerful on that topic. I did. My mother never sent me to school but I know she bought me, my first water bottle colored turquoise and I'm proudly wearing it on the first day of primary school. The teacher just has to ask everyone about each one of us ambition and write it on the book. I vividly remember my first ambition was to become a doctor. But, as time passes by, I wanted to be like my mother. My 8 years old wonder what my mother does for a living but I can recall that I want to be a woman with a career at the same time become a mother and wife to a small family.

Being the only daughter in this family, she always reminds me how to bring myself out. How to be an independent woman. I was 11 years old when my father had to go back and forth every weekend around 6 months from our rental house (City B) to Perak, his workplace to see us. The distance was crazy. I can still see in the back of my mind, we fetched my father at the train station at 2.00am  Saturday and I had to say goodbye again at 7.00am  Sunday. We have to live in that way. I don't understand why but I learn that I accept it. And because of that time, she was a parent to me, my mother is also my father on weekdays, and being that way, I have to learn to cook, doing laundry, taking care of my little brother, and ease her burden. It was worth it. The experience is so worth it. The Ramadhan month was a bit struggle for us. I don't know how to tell because I can't remember some pieces of memories about it but all I can say is we struggle in a different way but we managed to overcome until things become normal. For some reason, City B has become the most memorable place in my heart until today.

My mother

She gave me the best present when she decided to move here (SAC) and bring us along. I love this city with all my heart. I swear with every vein in my body (so dramatic I know). At first, I feel so hesitant and scared, because I have to live in a new environment, making new friends who I thought way different from what I had in my old town. But you know I had my heartbreak before I came to this city? I feel betrayed by some of my friends, and because of that, I didn't attend on the last day of school and unintentionally purposely came late to take my examination result. Lol, that kind of heartbreak. But as I grew older and out of school. I try to mend things, especially with my own feelings because I feel like things happened when I was teens and you know when they said teens are rebellious and stubborn, you have to believe that. So I rest my case for that. But you know there are some people who just move on with their life (or everything) and you just can't do anything about them. You smile and you also move on with everything that happened revolves around you.

Now, when we finally settle down I got to pick and paint my own room with my favorite color, we got to try a lot of things. By 'we' I mean for myself excitedly. I had a chance to bake cookies, cook, and try new recipes that I always want or I crave for. I got to do that with my mother who supports what I want. She let me explore and do new things on my own. Honestly, I feel happy and content because this is what I always wanted. I finally own her trust.

Of course, there are times where things just slip and out of hand like we just argue, bicker and I would just argue back. I yell. I slam the door. I make her cried. I made her worried. I despise her decision. I do some things behind her back. I'm not a daughter who she would always imagine for and I can't count how many times I just keep disappointing her. I deliberately missed her calls and casually said I love my father more than her. But, I will always come back to her. I will because she is my mother.

I realize it too late but they said it is better late than never.

I love my mother like I see her myself and I like that

Happy Mother's Day mother.

9.May.2021

,u12

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may the fourth be with you... to my used to be #1,

I'm sorry if I have to say that I will always be going to keep reminiscing our promises years ago back when we were still teens and a time when a lot of our friends didn’t know that I had this huge crush on you. It was silly, I know that, and today when I think about it again, I feel dreadfully embarrassed lol.

I mean at that time, we, accidentally become friends where I secretly put your name on one of 'my best friends' lists. We and Nia (not the real name here) are hanging at the library. Just to study, finishing the assignments during study week and you help me burn the CDs using my laptop. We hang out during the final season and someday I would bring us to the secret port which is the rooftop where there is not a lot of people who knew about that place at that time. The rooftop is my favorite spot. Hidden gems. It is because we can clearly see the whole view of our campus and mountains that I think it was just an undiscovered forest. 

And ever since then, I feel comfortable that I show you the other side of me you didn't know until  I heard you said:  "You are not the person that I thought you would be the first time I saw you". It's funny because I don't even know who am I. I am just a plain girl with big glasses who wore black shawl every day. Boring. That is what people used to claim me just because I let them. But you're not. You see me as a friend and I started to feel attached and charmed by your honest gesture. 

It was like you charmed me in a way I don’t know how and I don't know why

In spite of that, the day when you left this small city is the day I don't think I will ever visit the rooftop again. You decided to pursue in another field where I believe that is what you and your family always wanted just like mine. We couldn’t finish our studies and graduate together but still, we didn't lose contact. I still know some things about you that your friends don't and  I used to think it was a credit for me. Unfortunately, you still see me as a friend until I enroll in my degree. I still rant to you about all those days where I hate this life where everything is so new to me. I hate that I have to commute just to get to class and climb a hill of stairs. I hate that I know that I failed and I have to repeat o.c. paper. 

Until one day, I don't know how and I don't know why. Your charms never work on me anymore. It stopped. Maybe, just maybe because of all these unreciprocated feelings I receive or finally I learn to let some things go and the first thing I want is you. It simple. It was simple than I thought. Simple than the hardest pill I have to swallow when I got rejected. I guess I become more matured (lol). 

So, every fourth of may come. I still remember you because you turn a year older.

With everything left in me of you, you are my best friend and it will remain how it should be.

Goodbye,

,u12

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Dia kan, macam kau dah malas nak give a fuck or give a shit about this whole situation. Macam kau dah lali dan sebati dalam diri tetapi kau kena ambil tahu juga walaupun sedikit, kau kena tunjuk concern sebab ini melibatkan masa depan anak cucu cicit kau. 

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Did you ever think of settle down in some vacant city where the would be the least people but then you can call them yours? Just some thought of a perfect arc of colors, it came after heavy rain. The night is long and cold yet it approaches you like a loud bang on your front door.

Sometimes you complain. Your whole body is shivering and your lips start to turn blue still you love the weather and know it too well as the back of your hand. In your small kitchen stove, where the cattle start to whistle. You are too happy so you decided another day another hot coffee.

One of the days, you drag your feet to a small forest behind your wood cabin. There's a soft sound of crickets and the wind blows your hair as you walk through the trees. Until you hear the sound of waters running where you realize the existence of a waterfall. Breathtaking and thrilling.

This is the life that you dream of after so long, maybe.... peace is what your heart longing for.

Thus, I pray that May you found the peace you always desire  <3

,u12

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Satu hari nanti saya akan kecewakan abah

Saya akan pergi

Lari

Pada depa yang lebih selesa

Pada tangan yang lebih erat merangkul

Pada wajah yang lebih tenang dipandang

Tapi bukan abah,

Abah akan kecewa

Tapi abah kena tahu

Saya janji akan bahagia

Abah selalu yang pertama

Saya sayang dia juga

Abah, saya minta maaf awal awal

<3

,sm2

19/10/16

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What happened to one day you decided to get married? Well, I hope you will be in a family that you always dream of.

The man or husband of the year and soon your wife is pregnant with a child from your seed, You could protect them, especially your own daughter because children are a reflection of our past. Whatever you did back then, whatever words you spit and things you involved with... I hope that she would never be in the worst circumstances such as humiliated, traumatized, and having the anxiety to be living or born as a girl. When she realized, all men are the same, including her own 'beloved' father.

Sometimes, when I said men act and think through his balls, I mean men like this.

,u12