0024

there are three types of people when received bad news

People who sit and try to process what the fuck just happened
People who use google to google anything just to make things less worst, I guess
People who sad, grieving and mourning early

Out of these people, I am the last one.
Peace.

,u12

0023

I always remind myself like some mantra or chant that this going to happen, but I don’t think it will be this soon. After he was discharged around 4 years ago, I often talk to myself like a broken looping tape

“okay whatever happened, be ready because let's say...maybe, just maybe the worst will knock you down like a bitch. You know everyone talking and experienced about it but not everyone told you how to face it.”

or and something like that just because I want to prepare physically either mentally. I don't want to cry. I don't want to look like a sobbing mess or lost clueless girl. I want to be seen as a strong girl like how everyone sees me on daily basis. I want to be independent enough to handle my feelings.

However, things happened soon out of my expectations and out of reach or power. It's a God's Will. Suddenly, I feel like I was betrayed, again. Just like how I lost him a year ago but this time it happened to someone who is closer to me like really really close to my heart. I received the news with a shattered heart or like a horrendous tsunami just flood into our kitchen thus whatever mantra I told myself years ago is gone, vanish. All of a sudden I don't know how to react. Numb, speechless... those are the exact words I can think of right now.

I guess, all this time, I was totally wrong. Apart from me is living in a denial bubble. Any seconds I'm ready to burst and the reality never scared me until today. I hate to admit and I hate that with all my entire existence. 

Who doesn't though? What would you do when someone you love endearingly gotten sick? Apart from his organ in his body out of the blue decided to just stop functioning? 

At this time for once, I really wanted the world revolving around me so bad, like so so bad just like how I'm ready on my knees to beg things be how they used to be.

,u12

untitled

Sahur di Kolej:

Bangun pukul 5.30,

capai roti gardenia bawah katil and minum satu botol air kosong

kemudian sambung tidur balik.

Sahur di Rumah:

Bangun pukul 5 dikejutkan oleh parents,

Kadang overnight oats

Kadang nasi ayam saki baki lauk berbuka semalam

Kadang Mee goreng kicap my favorite

Nugget, nasi putih dan kicap pun OnZz

Minum air gelas tinggi and sebiji vitamin C.

Iftar di Kolej:

Turun ke DC pukul 6.30 petang

lauk berbuka ayam, sayur and nasi putih.

makan dengan roommate

Iftar di Rumah:

A LOT✨

Bubur

Kuih muih

Air manis (my favorite air sirap)

Nasi dan lauk lauk unik (try and error recipes) yang dimasak seawal 4.30 petang

Makan with the whole family <3

Alhamdulillah

,u12

0022

Takut

takut dengan masa akan datang

takut dengan benda yang tak pasti, uncertainty

takut dengan ‘orang baru’ 

takut dengan rasa kehilangan yang selama lamanya

takut dengan benda yang boleh buat aku hilang waras

takut dengan hidup seorang diri, mati seorang diri, sunyi dan sepi

takut dengan orang yang mudah berjanji

takut dengan apabila berjanji, mudah sangat untuk tidak ditepati 

takut dengan luka lama yang berdarah semula

takut dengan luka yang berdarah di tempat yang sama

takut dengan perasaan yang terlalu bahagia kemudian esoknya bangun dengan hati yang kecewa

takut dengan terbuai oleh benda yang sementara

takut dengan bila tak sengaja mengecewakan hati anak teruna orang

takut dengan keluarga baru

takut dengan segulung sarjana atau segulung falsafah doktor, perjalanan jauh yang belum tentu

takut dengan dunia yang makin mengecewakan dalam semua aspek

takut dengan tidak boleh memberi kebahagiaan pada jiwa yang meminta atau mengharap

takut dengan tidak sempat berbakti pada orang tua dan famili

takut dengan terluka kemudian kecewa oleh mulut jahat orang sekeliling seperti saudara dan rakan baik

takut dengan amalan yang tidak diterima

takut dengan akhirat yang tak nampak,

takut dengan mati 

takut dengan malaikat yang mencabut nyawa

takut dengan diri sendiri

takut, sangat-sangat

,u12

untitled

Kena belasah

Kena rompak/curi, hampir hilang maruah diri

Kena culik, hampir kena cabul

what the fuck? like what the actual fuck?

untitled

It doesn’t matter how hard you try

sometimes it never enough,

and I think, that’s O.K.

because when things happened

I just wish I didn’t push myself 'that' hard

because now look at me

I’m back at square 1

,u12

0021

Ya Allah ya Tuhanku
Yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Mengasihani
Junjungan selawat ke atas baginda Nabi Muhammad S.A.W

Ya Allah
Ampunkanlah dosa dosa kedua ibu bapaku
Ampunkanlah dosa guru-guruku dan pensyarah-pensyarahku
Ampunkanlah dosa adik beradikku
Ampunkanlah dosa dosa kawan kawan baikku,

Ya Allah, hanya kepadamu aku meminta
Engkau murahkanlah rezeki ibu bapaku,
permudahkanlah urusan harian mereka ya Allah,
panjangkanlah umur mereka dengan diberi kesihatan tubuh badan yang baik

Ya Allah,
Aku berdoa dan berlindung kepadaMu,
Engkau jauhilah keluargaku dari perbuatan khianat, keji, sihir buatan orang dan fitnah dajjal.
Berikanlah keluarga ini hidayahMu, bimbinglah keluarga ini kejalan kebenaranMu, jalan yang Engkau redhai ya Allah

Ya Allah,
Sesungguhnya, hanya kepadaMu aku meminta dan berdoa. 

Tiada pertolongan yang lain selainMu. 

Berikanlah aku kekuatan untuk terus ikhlas dan sabar dalam melakukan ibadah dan mencari RahmatMu

Aamin yaRabbal alamin

0020

malas

malas nak teruskan

malas nak hidup

bernyawa tetapi seperti ikan yang tak bertulang

lemah

layu

menggelupur

dianak tirikan, ditimang ditatang seperti minyak panas dan disimbah seperti orang tak sudi

this is too unfair but then again,

aku malas

0019

excerpt

the first couple of months

life like a plastic cup

light, throw, and tossed

the road has never been this rough

I feel my loss

and I'm tired just to be tough

remember I called

we talk and spilled

on everything and anything

but most of it

you heard me crying

you said it's okay

this is just a phase

life is fair, too fair

sometimes it betrays

you break and dent

it shapes you at the end

I really want to see you again

I waited for months

we sit in this local dining

my problem and I

we talking and listening

fast forward

to seven years later

I'm in the backseat of your car

just like we were fifteen

back from the beginning

,u12

0018

Moonochrome🌙

Exactly a year ago was my break-up anniversary. I made a drastic decision to broke up with him and my decision was quite selfish, ill, brutal, and you name it. But after we both went to talk and think through the breakup went easy. We parted ways with no curse, hateful words as it was more like understanding. I guess that’s what we called a mature relationship which I always wanted in the first place.

Ever since that minute (moment), I block/remove him from all my social media platforms. I didn’t think that was a childish move but I just, I'm not ready to be near with him at the moment. I know he curses me (or not) behind the back of his mind and loathes me because if I were him I would do the same. No matter how many times we say " I'm Okay, I'm Alright, I'm fine" to ourselves but I guess that was some lies that we try to feed. Just that I remember when Taylor sings :

“No one teaches you what to do
When a good man hurts you
And you know you hurt him, too”


- Happiness (evermore)

I felt that deeply and genuinely. I think the lyrics just slapped right on my face. I mean my first love on 23?, I was clueless as fuck, and how I wish I could do better in terms of handling my emotions and this whole relationship thing that I'm not ready to commit. I dig my own pit that I'm ready to jump. I built so many high walls and layers of barriers that I don't know why? Why in the first place I did that. I think deep down in my heart I'm scared. I'm scared of so many possibilities, what if on this...what if on that. . . What if I messed up things? What if he cannot accept who I am? What if. . . ? My overthinking and insecurities always get the best of me ha ha ha. The shittiest thing I did, probably being hard on him while he didn't deserve that a bit.

The first 3 months were the hardest phase, especially during the quarantine time. I can’t meet people, I don’t have friends to direct talk to because I prefer talking in person you know. I always slept at 3am, I totally messed up my sleep schedule. The worst times are probably night. I hate night because it always reminds me of a time when we were on the phone. Not only that, I started to think that the Universe really hates me. Every time I scroll my phone, the tweets, the songs and Instagram 'motivational' quotes blame me. Hence, that forces me to pick up a new hobby. For starters, I start to involve with the arts for fun. I watched youtube videos of oil pastels and so on. I feel temporarily happy and distracted until my class starts to open again. With that, my mind was fully concentrated on the final semester. I get busy with all the assignments, dateline, virtual discussion with my groups and online learning really make me exhausted. I'm glad about that.

Besides that, I started to writes again, not much just to cope with the heartache. I close my old blog and start the new one just because I just want a fresh start. Honestly, besides reading, writing can be a form of escapism. I got excited and also got lost during that. I'm happy, really. I feel like 17 years olds me again where my inspiration just spills like water. During that time I take a lot of time to reflect on my actions. It was like closure for me.

Matter of fact, I hate to admit that I always wanted to receive love rather than from myself. It's pathetic and I can't help it. Imagine in your entire existence, you need validation (reassurance) from someone to live? It's not wrong neither normal but whatever consequences come, don't you think I have to actually learn and put myself first? There are so many simple (explicit) questions that respond to big N0. Do I see myself as yeoja? Do I respect even myself? Do I really like my own reflection? I'm even ashamed of myself that I barely go out without having minor anxiety creeps in & others that I can't even talk about. I hate myself to some point I think I need to work on myself first. I hate to make this whole situation about me but believe me when I say there is no amount of remorse and apology I can pay to undo things, but all I can do is learn from my mistakes. Since I learn (so much) from him, he had given me a chance to feel love and to be loved and I can't thank him enough for that.

As the torture of months passed, I start to feel myself again. During the pandemic time, the person I miss the most is my Bibik Sofea. There are lots of unwritten poems and unspeakable words that could describe these feelings. Heck, I never told anyone about this including my parents. There are times I feel so wretched because I wish she could see me grown up just like she hoped for. I just wish she didn't leave me, pack her suitcase and left with worry. I kind of wish our goodbye was proper and ready because I was too young to experience that. What did you expect from a 14 years old girl who doesn't know anything about goodbye? Until today I'm still coping with her departure. I'm still learning from it, just until today. I also start to (try) reach some of my old friends although there is a tiny part of me scared to being friends again nonetheless I wanted to, I want to do it because of me (myself).

One of my bold moves is I start to post ALL archive pictures that I kept years back on my Instagram. It takes a lot of courage to do that because my biggest fear is being downgraded of anything and everything. Just to see the memories in monochrome makes me think that wow I really take my past (life) for granted. Along with it, I started to give more which is I know, I should do that before but I believe ' better late than never ' works on me. Also, I managed to make amends for the broken relationship. I know when I said I pushed people away for the sake of my sanity, I really did that. But I really want to work things out this time as long as we are on good terms, which is enough for me. I don't get away with peer pressure as I see a lot of my friends from high school to uni, some of them getting married, I am really happy for them. I do! until then. . . . 💝

,u12

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so here's a tiny confession of mine;

I don't have a solid reason for being miserable when I see them happy

but I often wonder, when will it be my turn?

all my what if, why, and when including whom

those questions have been hanging around since then

these thoughts living in its wilderness are rooted and bare naked

just like the lonely frames in the greatest exhibition arts center

for years I imagined myself as the wild waves but right now, 

I feel like I'm one of the hard stones slammed by those wild waves

it hit so it stung and it shaped.

lonely? yes I admit

yet I kind of hope I am way of average

,u12