There is something about the number 5 either it is 15, 25, or even 50. I think it is because I turned 25 on the 15th of September. It's Virgo season you all *though I am not a believer in horoscopes*. I mean. . . what's wrong with 25? it is just the same as before. you turned a year older or like most everyone used to say " Age is just a number". *shrugged*
In my own self vocabulary, I feel like, at 25, your life should be "perfect". Again, in my own perfect terms meaning, you finally graduated on time, married, have a stable job, got a nice car, yadda yadda, and so on. You know, where everything just falls into its own places. That is what my 15-year-old dream is. Yep, she dares to dream as big as an elephant. She dreams a lot. For example, she wants to dress up, who she wants to marry, what city she finally settle in. All those kinds of things just *poof* disappear once she finally turned a quarter century.
???
*taps microphone*
Ladies and Gentleman,
This is where reality hits, unfortunately.
So, what it feels like turning a quarter century huh?
On that day, my family and I went to PD. We stayed for one night. Nothing special happened as it was just a normal family dinner at stalls beside our hotel. After dinner, I walked to the beach and finally got my toes to feel the sand. This year, I got a lot of chances to go to the beach but I never really go close to the sea or walk barefoot on the sand. However, I don't know, I think going to the beach at night feels some kind of . . . therapeutic. I love the vibes and I enjoyed talking about random issues while hearing the sound of waves. After that, we went back to the hotel and slept. That's it. Nothing fancy. A simple birthday celebration just likes how I wanted to. I guess physically I'm ready but emotionally I'm not.
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.
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I feel. . . terrible, honestly. Close to numb (?)
I feel numb when the 15th has passed. I get mixed feelings and am also scared. I'm scared at the part where I feel like I have so many things to catch up in life as there are still a lot of things I need to explore, learn and experience and at the same time I'm not ready to bear the responsibility when the future comes.
I saw my colleagues getting married. One by one. They got a nice job and a nice place to stay. To summarise, they have a nice life. A life that is how I picture myself. And when you see others living the life that you wanted so much. . . it actually kills you inside. That's what overthinking and insecurity kick in.
"Your planning
Allah planning
But somehow Allah's plans are the best."
Sometimes I forgot these quotes exist and how Hikmah and Redha words linger in the back of my mind and how powerful and merciful the power of Him holds for us. But if you ask me, it still hurts.
Therefore, Happy Birthday dear self. Cheers!
,u12