0013

if you knew, you just knew

if you don't, actually you do

It was one of the months

he started to ring and text me first

I'm not lonely, I'm in my best

but he saw my worst

and all my best ace

to past eight 

the sky was drizzle

my gold sedan car is full of people

we exchange two jars for two red notes

from my hand to your mother hand

coming from 85 miles away

he ready to slay,

the footsteps look a little edgy

but I said it's okay

this big white table

my father is sociable

from talking tips to business

everyone sipping the red drinks

while you give me a silent wink

I serve you last meal

I bid the goodbye

I sent you to your car

and still think this isn't real

0012

sweet, bronze

the medal of him

it reminds me

the race I could never begin

reach, and even to win

the one band

with guitar and hearts

he loves to sing

where the playlist

is always on looping

cold January

white fluff on his shoulder

in the land of the rising sun

the firework was fun and none

through him

all the hazy, blurry, and worry

I can see the temple of grace

in my cheap windbreaker

other than it

he knows my cat

and my little brother

they both were brat and bad

my mother is a crying mess

my father was admitted

the eldest is driving

our living room become less bright

the hanging pot has wilted

you heard me sobbing

but you whisper nothing nothing nothing, thrice

and I nodded...

                         starting to have faith

,u12

0011

These four walls
of blue shades
playing witnesses
hearing promises
the sound of laughter
and ringing tears

Chills
The pace of air
four black blades, echoes
I hate
along with this Single heartbeat
laying on this single mattress

So many months
of collective dust,
on my open black shelve
you are there
standing charmed and framed
along with old postcards, books
and my favorite succulents,
named Remy, betty, and lucy

nothing much has changed since you'd gone
I'm turning a year older and you too
the world is still in the midst of a virus
that's that and I think you knew...






,u12

0010

teach me 

how to ace in one of your class

anatomy one o one

I'm a mere amateur 

of all about you

of me above you

just about you

just your tan skin under the sun-kissed

it warms me inside

just the touch

of your fingertips 

it works like a firework 

on the new year eve
small bright sparks 

and the baby butterflies start to swirl

so I still can't forget

with heavy pants
your hand cup my nape

our nose tilt nudge
I slowly prod 

to your chapped lips 

gasp

a loose grip on my waist

caress on my left cheek

first second and more pecks

you taste like a sweet cake

we are so lost
in this fast pace

don't ask

let me be spooky

and creepy

just rush

eager

harder
anxious
desire, 

kept bottled in the half

full of the tall slim glass

like we couldn't get enough 

and I just wish the clock didn't pass

just tonight

I'm just a wanderer

worshipper- a little cheerleader 

to your body adventure

,u12

0009

Let me tell you a story, so here goes...

It was plain and raw
honest and straight
but the acceptance took longer than we expect

bumps and rough
so many signs
so many roads
after all, it was a wrong path

from the moment it starts
until the last depart

so many quick flashes
along with bright lights
who can we denied
and who we going to lie

how things could turn out
how it should be meant to be
between a and z's

the aftertaste
of every sip
I savor a sweet
slow and tinge of spice
we are into the afters
the last course of ME N U

only we both know
this bond
has no label
it just two people
who run into trouble
like how the universe works
into an adjacent set of parallel lines

still and all
as we lost in the last dance
with this last song
this love will remains stains

on my white off dress
that I'll be wearing my heart on my sleeves






,u12

0008

you don't miss him
you don't need him
you don't need him
you don't miss him

but you miss every single thing you did with him
you just miss the routine you have spent

from sharing playlist
to interest
speak about the future like you know what it holds,
embrace all the insecurities
even promise to be in each other picture
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

It sad to watch how impulsive I act
you turn it effortlessly
so I just shove, throw everything, and become forgetful
suddenly all the conversations, jokes, memories never exist in the first place

you turned to despise
it's written on your face
you don't want this
you never thought about it

but the process becomes harder
eventually, he chooses
to set me free

you called it resentment
but all I saw is a chapter
a phase

these empathies

you can't write
but you can skip
you can't shut what you feel
but you can always spit






trainwrecked
edited, 20/7
,u12

untitled

Aku mimpi Supervisor aku minta hantar fyp chapter 4

Dia buat google meet lepastu dia tanya

"Semua dah siap ke? Nanti saya nak ok. Minta tolong hantar"

Sambil senyuman manis dan kaki silang.

Seram,

Amarilah kita mula buat

 T.T

0007

Fu*k! 

I'm so tired from being vulnerable 

just take me away from here

just end it already

I don't know how long I can keep up

0006

I promise tonight

will be the last night I did this to myself

being in the state of miserable and pathetic

I don't know her

I had enough to reflect 

Seasons changed

I had mourned and weep

Tomorrow

the sun will shine

if He let me

as the air-filled in

I must stop the whine

beneath the same sky

I bid goodbye

I don't want to die

apparently, this place is too depressing to go on as I cannot go on with the vibes, I know I write when I'm upset but I don't want to be sad and depressed anymore. I don't want to be in the same state. So I've decided to stop writing for a while. I need to heal and maybe try to find my old self again. You can do this! and pray for me, my family, and the people who I loved and cherish.

,u12

0005

Things to do when you upset (my edition):

1. Clean your bedroom

Change your bedsheets, clean your ceiling fan, sweep and mop the floor, declutter and reorganize your wardrobe using Mary Kondo style. I like to rearrange my cupboard position.

2. Take a long shower

Scrub your body, cleanse your face, shampoo and massage your head, pamper yourself. Do a long-ass skincare routine, wear a sheet mask, or clay mask while watching Netflix. Just enjoy doing those things without rushing or pressure.

3. Spill your thoughts

I do this often whether on the blog or my phone notes like my notes full of overthinking but after I wrote everything, I feel less burden and I like to rant on my Twitter wall too cause nobody gives a damn about what I said. Peace!

4. Read something

Book, journal, articles, or news but I like reading on Wattpad cause I like to get lost in the storyline and character. I mean gentlemen only exist in fiction. My story choices are cliche and I like simple stories that I already know the endings just because I don't want to be sad or stress and expect less. Lol

5. Play games

I only play games on Plato. This is because one app consists of many games. And my favorite is Ocho. Expected? Yes. Cause it's easy and sometimes I interact with other players just to be nice.

6. Online shopping

I enjoy scrolling and adding things to the cart just because that is the only thing I afford to do. Lol.  later. And I enjoy using Shopee because I tried the other apps but I get confused so I just stick to Shopee. 

7. Cooking & Eating

This pandemic makes me gain weight because everyone in the house loves to eat and my mom loves to try and error with the recipe. So I just eat to make my mom happy and sometimes I cook for everyone. Besides, I find it is very therapeutic to clean and then scrub the stove after cooking. <3 

8. Try new hobbies

So I start to enjoy doing arts, experiment with oil pastels hehehe. You can try to find new hobbies, who know your hobby can turn into a job or passion. You will never know what you can earn from that. But for me, I just doing arts for fun.

okay, that's all I can think about! 

0004

these past few weeks, I become restless. My sleeping pattern becomes messed up, I don't know what times I slept or what day I awake but every time I wake up I want this pandemic to end.

I mourn for abandoned things. A lot. I keep getting flashbacks. I grief to people who left me, my old maid who was so close to me and treat me like my own mother, my girlfriends as we used to have a group name, my old neighborhood where I grew up. I love the people and I love where I lived but I realized that...

I become a hoarder of my own past

Letting go is tough however clinging to the past become burdensome

Everything becomes so overwhelmed like I'm sick of it but why do I keep doing it

I promise myself that was the last straw it happened still I loathe myself each time I fall into the same pit.

p/s: I manage to give some duit raya to my best friend for the first time ever just because she deserves it and as a belated birthday present. I love you mama :). Eid Mubarak to those who celebrate

untitled

a reminder to myself,

Kau kawan bertahun, sudah kenal perangai antara satu sama lain, ibu bapa pun sudah berjumpa. Mesra. Tetapi disebabkan apa? ego? perasaan? hasutan dari orang lain, adakah engkau sanggup putuskan apa yang engkau namakan ia persahabatan.

Kalau ada tiga orang, yang pertama bergaduh dengan yang ketiga, apa yang perlu orang kedua buat? Memilih pihak? menjadi batu api? dengki? Tidak sayangku. Jangan menjadi orang yang aku sebutkan. 

Kenapa? Kesannya pedih, parutnya bakal jadi sopak. Sanggup engkau? Memilih pihak, menuduh melulu tanpa mendengar, menjadi batu api mengapikan apikan orang? Melaga lagakan hubungan?

Apa yang engkau dapat sayangku? Apa yang kau kejar sebenarnya? Adakah engkau puas bila engkau berada di pihak yang 'betul'? Adakah engkau merasa engkau sudah menang? Lucu

Persahabatan apa yang engkau sedang jalinkan? Wajar engkau digelar sahabat yang baik? Bertahun engkau mengenali antara satu sama lain, namun disebabkan perasaan amarah dan geram yang cuma 3 menit, engkau sanggup membuang ia.

Kau sahabat yang baik? Menjaja cerita kawan engkau ini buruk di mata orang lain? dimata masyarakat? 

Sayangku, 

engkau adalah duri dalam daging. 

gunting dalam lipatan

dan talam dua muka

Engkau tidak perlu memilih pihak, jika engkau merasa dirimu di jalan yang benar, pulihkan hubungan kalian. Rawat luka itu sebelum terlambat, bernanah dan busuk kerana

Mencegah itu lebih baik daripada merawat.

dan

Tiada penawar yang lebih baik daripada memaafkan.

0003

no headlights
no signs
she just went straight
in the pitch black of night

you don't know how to stop
you don't know how to break
she said go slow
but you still ignore

I just want to rest
I don't want to break the law
all you want to do is driving fast
and all your stress start to gnaw

reassurance
communication
distance
adoration

It didn't workout
to people like us

who didn't know what she wanted?
and a man who don't brave enough
to fight his ego
to combat her needs

as I stay in this maze
I watch you leave
you took my heart
along with this sunken ship

,u12

0002

Just now
I talked to Him about you

how I miss you
and I miss us
so obviously

how I ashamed
to look at what I did
and you called it confused

I hurt you
it's terrible
miserable
now I see the memories
float like bubble

we both are so obsessed
and upset
but above all
I called it to regret


at the end of my plea


".....jika benar dia bukan untuk aku, maka Kau jauhkan dia dari aku, temukan dia dengan seorang yang lebih baik dan sepadan dengan dirinya. Jika dia untuk aku dan itu yang sudah tertulis di Luh Mahfuz, maka temukanlah kami semula pada waktu yang tepat di mana waktu itu kami berdua sudah bersedia untuk bersemuka...."

untitled

4 weeks ago
my motivation to do the task from unis was high
miss procrastination who?
assignments have left the chat
to laziness, you are removed from this group

but 3 days ago
I started to feel like a dugong
and no offense dugong
dugong is great
she is cute or whatever

but seriously,
I need my motivation back
I need my study spirit
and a tendency to stop caring about people who once not even give a shit about me tehee :>

and not to forget
missing someone who already walked out of your life
honestly honey
stop doing that
or else
you are going to fall into a miserable pit
and pity well

0001

the things about forgiving,
it stays in your heart but never in mind

and here I am
overthinking and over-replaying
things that make me shatter 3 or 4 years ago

and all those things didn't come from a stranger
but from someone who I called friends, proudly claim to be in my circle

how words can act
like a real stab
or make you look
like a crap


geez,
now can we sleep?

sophie

"And I hate to say I need you
I'm so reliant
I'm so dependent
I'm such a fool
When you're not there
I find myself singing the blues
Can't bear
Can't face the truth
You will never know that feeling
You will never see through these eyes"

Sam Smith (Not in The Way) 



Bik,

I didn't know that was our last sip
last hug I received
until today
I still feel the thirst

How are you?
how has life treat you
in the midst of corona

is the sky still blue
under the pink hue
the sunset starts to make sense
as all your dreams lie within

is the land still green
muddy and sludge tint
where your house up on the hill
a whole scene

is your favorite still yellow
because it shows how you are
nothing but gold
my real fellow

but Bik,
my choice is still white
it's safe and bright
forgiveness and pure

and because you had loved me
with all your joys
and I love you
so here it goes.....again

,u12

stay

separuh hati tinggal disini
separuh lagi terbang bersama mimpi

turut dibiarkan perasaan ini terbang bersama pesawat pesawat

mungkin dia hilang di sebalik celahan awan
mungkin dia selamat tiba disatu tempat orang orang

atau mungkin di lautan dasar paling dalam

bila dia pulang
yang ada cuma parut dan kenangan
dan prinsip cinta yang masih dia pegang

suamiKu,

jangan pernah berhenti mendepa tangan menangkap hujan
merasa kagum setiap helai daun gugur dan terbang
menikmati terbit fajar disusuli kicauan burung

mendoakan aku...
rindu aku...


kita hati satu
cuma dua titik jauh.

19/5/2018

,u12

searching

perempuan itu
dia selalu tidak tahu apa yang dia sendiri mahu
kadang hati dia menjerit teriak
dan kadang dia bisu terdiam sejenak

ada masa dia duduk ditepi longkang
sepuntung rokok di celah tangan kanan
dihirup hembus tinggal separuh
lagi separuh dibiarkan mati perlahan

pukul 2 pagi dia masih berjalan
sesekali dia mendongak ke atas awan
dia suka bulan
dia suka malam

gelap membuatkan dia jadi faham
mengingatkan pada dia masa silam
tubir mata dia mula panas
dan nafas dihela perlahan

suatu hari dia disuruh keluar
beg baju dilempar
berteraburan di atas tanah
sejak itu nasib hidup dia berubah



,u12 (2.19a.m)

little mermaid

shipwrecked.

the ship that'll wreck before it lands on the coast
we still board just because everyone does it

the beautiful scenery is promising
the sea is crystal clear penetrate to underwater
the sky is spacious full of blue and white

but don't we all know
the sea was not made for everyone.

the waves are too fast
the tides are unexpected

and (now) then we only hope we stranded to somewhere safe.
maybe an island
a beautiful island

because finally, we all deserved living.





,u12

shipwreck

berenang
berperang
aku kau dan ombak
kau ombak dan aku

tibanya sudah kuduga
ritmanya sudah kuhafal

dia datang menghempas
merampas
hatimu dipulas
hatiku diculas

mataku pedih
hatiku jerih
air sudah paras muncung
hatiku dahulu dipancung

kakiku longlai
jiwaku sudah bercerai berai
nafasku dihujung tangkai

perlahan aku sedar
realiti mendakap diri
aku bukan lagi sebuah bingkai













9/4/2018

,u12/T#kzims

l'avenir

I've enjoyed listening to the performance and people screaming, standing by the window watching fireworks with people countdown for the new year wasting my time in the library studying for finals, catching up on datelines, discussion and assignments so late until I'd missed the bus so I have to walk to reach my dorm, attend the theater with a front-row seat, I cried during the hero had to die and I laugh for part two, failing on my tests, lost my bracelet and stressing about eczema.

I experience all these things without you, I survived...until today without you. But why do I still miss you....? Why does my mind-heart still remember you, someone who never exist or walk into my life? 

I know you are somewhere some far away. Thus I hope you eat well, study well and living well. Whatever you do, don't give up on time like this. 

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Just...wait for me

wait, so I know that I'm not fighting this battle alone.....

.

.

.
.

I've still got so much love hidden beneath this skin

So darling

Put a little love on me

We wrote and we wrote

Til there were no more words

We laughed and we cried

Until we saw our worst

Is it wrong that I still wonder where you are

Is it wrong that I still don't know my heart

12/8/2019

,u12

greystones

selfish
manipulative
obsessive
defensive

all the words that brave enough to punch my gut

it cost pain
leave a bruised
and tattooed all my body

two feet
you leave

your last wish
it nails in my head
I read it like a pray
and chanting your names within

I know you already moved on
black suits and dress
nice place
fresh flowers
on the stone
that carve my name

those four words
I will never get to say
so I keep it
as I rest in peace






,u12

2%

Tuhan....

walau sedang aku tersasar
aku masih mahu pulang ke landasan yang benar

ketika hati ini keras dan beku
aku masih mahu terus bersujud kepadaMu

ketuklah hatiku berkali kali
ingatkan aku bahawa ini semua duniawi

kecewa dan putus asa
hadirkan ia untuk seketika


kerana  Tuhan
aku masih lagi mahu
terus berharap dan
berteduh dibawah rahmatmu









,Dewan Resital Panca Sakti






yang buruk itu semuanya dari saya, yang baik itu datang dari Tuhan dan ibu bapa