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Don't people think how beautiful, enchanted and I don't know other synonyms than these two words but again, I think it is abstractly beautiful how it takes a lot of effort or courage for a person for being the one who starts or leads the whole conversation first. I know, I know I sound like. . . pathetic? Pathetic in the terms of simply swooning over simple things? But if those simple things make me happy, why not?

If it were me, I don't think I have the courage to starts the conversation first. I mean, come on. . . I don't even have the energy to reply to the conversation in the first place except to important things or people. Depends. I just think the phase is over. Like K.O. Uh-uh. You see the red lines I draw? It's getting thicker day by day. We are over and just like how Taylor once said "We are never ever ever, getting back together"  By "we" I mean me and my inner self. 

But as days go by I'm not going to lie, I miss my friends. I miss them especially when I remember those days when we used to hang out during the class break, after class, at the cafeteria, and the whole time we spend on the faculty. I miss the small things we did. I miss when we fail and we still have each other to comfort <3. But Miss pandemic really said 'No bitch, move! it's my time to shine✨✨✨and here let me make your life interesting by this new variants/virus you needed😈'

I'm grateful for some of my friends who reach me, keep in touch with me, saying HAI. Those concerns moved me. I appreciate it. Not all heroes wear a cape, some of them start to text you first. LOL. I mean. . . I'm sorry for the ignorance but I'm trying because I'm just. . . happy and depressed in my own bubble. Let me explain that sentence just because I'm not trying to be more pathetic than I am. 

When they said introverts are happy on their own. You have to believe them (introvert). I realized how happy I am because I am one of them. But I'm not going to lie, sometimes I feel depressed or stressed or whatever people called. The fact that I am happy like I'm fucking happy over the moon where I don't have to meet people because of this pandemic, staying inside the house, just me, my cat, and my small family doing our usual rituals. Ops just kidding. . . unless😏 nope just kidding, just kidding😁(blink twice if you need help LOL) but that happiness sometimes can take its's toll on its own. It's like YES you'll be happy, YES you fucking happy like finally but SIKE! you pay it with the price of overthinking and. . . yeah. . . just. . . overthinking.

Maybe this is what you get when you graduated in the mid of the pandemic. You are jobless, unemployed, single, broke, ugly, sad, and depressed. What a combination and what a potion of curse in a bowl! I feel like those people who are in the same boat as I have a lot of things to say or convince themselves. We can do this. Those storms will pass eventually. That's what I've been telling myself. Everyday. 

I see my peers already got their own (stable) jobs, are engaged, married, pregnant and finally have their own kids. That is what a Fifteen-year-old me want. This is what a teenager me dreams of. Such a perfect life in a perfect picture. But a 24 years old me would not agree to that and come to realize. . .

She realized, like finally fucking realized adulting is hard. And those perfect pictures I have to slowly swallow the bitter truth of life. It doesn't end with rainbows and unicorns with one head but life can turn as dark as 3am, betrayed you, and hurt you more than you can imagine. 

And hey that's okay. It's okay because when the daylight comes, it's beautiful. I promise. I promise it is better than the rainbows and unicorns💝.

.u12

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cheers to 25, because we are finally sailing

I supposed this how a quarter year old of a decade feels like

like a plain yogurt

bland

boring 

sour

and healthy?

I wanted to say remind this to myself, maybe to you too even if you’re not 25 years old or above 25...

You don’t have to rush into everything

You don’t have to feel like ‘this world’ is a fucking race.

You don’t have to overwork, overstress, or involved with stupid things that your 50 years old with regret.

Because... just because I see and I lived in the moment where someone who is closer to me, today he wishes someone would tell him or advice him all of those simple reminders above. I know dead sound like a sensitive and trigger subject to talk about. You can live healthy today and who knows tomorrow you die? But somehow, living in the moment you truly cherish and appreciate are the most things you could give yourself. 

I know how people out there will say:

“Work hard while you’re still young”

“Enjoy your life while you’re still young because you only young once”

“Save a lot while you’re young so when you turned 40,  you can retire early and enjoy with the money you saved”

“Get married early, give birth early so you can play with your grandchildren while you’re still young”

It’s easy to say when this whole miss corona thing doesn’t happen to you when you are in your final semester final year, graduated,  turned 25 and miss corona is still there. And it sounds so easy to just bluntly talk just like how the words will soak your head. But at the end of the day, all I can see is just full of toxicity or bullshit. I don't have anything to argue to look stupid.

So? Just do whatever you wanted to do as long as you know your limit. 

Everything has a limit. So do whatever you want as long as you’re 50, Your 50 years old self will thank you enough.

Dear self, or whoever who sail the same ships as mine,

Don’t get married just because of peer pressure. just because you think you have to do so. Because marriage is full of responsibilities and a long time commitment to your partner. 

Don’t overwork yourself, Don't beat yourself, hidden in a small cubicle full of workloads. When the clock turns 5pm, just quickly clock out, pack your suitcase and go home.

Don’t buy a house just because people buy it? or just because you eagerly want to do some decorations shit that you easily influence by Pinterest and just because you see people who bought a house seems so easy?

Is it worth going through one and half an hour of jammed from your house to the workplace? Is all the stress from jammed and workload really worth it at the end of the day?

Rewards yourself once a month. Rewards yourself even if it is just a small thing you could get. Buy food you craved for, the most expensive books you can get, shoes that will look good on you, and anything you always wanted. Anything with your own money because you deserve all the shits that put you through. 

Buy all the things you always wanted because life is short and you are young? And then you realize that your life is just the same as a plain yogurt? Somehow you deserve a healthy life. You are what you eat

You can do this you-quarter-years-old-of-decade

And 25 is just a number

You scared, I know. Because me too. I'm a natural overthinker BUT HEY at least we know how to live. I mean you and I are on the same ship, we are sailing.

,u12

0030

I don’t know why but I still want to try,

this tear seems like it won't dry

I’m here standing at your front gate

wishing you still see me under the peephole 

or maybe just for the last time, you actually twist the doorknob

perhaps luck was never on our side

or to begin with

it is like we were in a battle or something

we own this Achilles heel

we know the antagonist

but what can we do?

we stand on this desert field

choosing a team and counting score

while our feet sink in this dune

so go back to all the catastrophe,

we are just two birds

too young and bold

we just wanted the same thing

to fly free 

to live happily 

in your shades sky of blue

it was enough for me

I wish you were on my side

even when I lose

I still got you,

not how they pry

but in the way

I saw they hate I try,

you choose to be the front line

to your bloodline 

instead of mine

We got the oasis

you teach me the tastes

of figs, olives, and dates

in a quick snap

and now you are away,

I’m running fast

chasing your silhouette

but the only thing I got

is some mirage

I don't know why I still try

they got what they want

you made your mind

and now it’s my cue 

to say goodbye

,u12

0029

there's a curtain of deception

like a big billboard

hanging on my window wall

so much of belief and assumption

come as phases

a whisper of perhaps and if

appear like a heavy thick cloud 

she came along with thunder of bang

could you see how immense this ambivalence?

the floor is quivering and I know you could see the bed frame has tilted

as well as the broken foot of my study table

the vacancy of my California king bed from your side,

I can't remember when was the last time I felt warm

I just know that tonight, I might sleep with a huge storm

and all of my furniture is going to sweep by floods

"your love is a hoax"

your words rewind like a broken tape

it stuck and struck with all my fears

I still feel your slow strokes

like how you painted my whole ceiling

in purple and bruise

manipulated and destructive

I'm awake from this ache

sometimes I sleep in snooze

someday I just want to sink this feeling

my baby

my house is wrecked

I have nothing left

besides stranded and bare naked

my baby...

,u12

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when you’re natural overthinker, 

alhamdulilah, this warm honey lemon taste just like how it supposed to be...

peace

0028

My mother who named by MM

Mother

She gave me everything that I want

She basically sold her soul and body to God

from God, she was created and 

to God, I know I have to let everything go...

everything as when the time comes

of every piece of scrape and every scent of her in the corner of this house

“You were an angel in the shape of my mum” 

Ed Sheeran (Supermarket flowers)

I was not born accidentally. It like everything was planned. A God's plan. But because of the sincerity, pure love between two lovers, and His blessing, I was born when she was 30. And it's funny how late I am to realize the gap of years we have. My mother, she is everything every woman wanted to be or wishes to be in their life. Jealousy or envy is just not the right words because we women stand and support each other. Competitive? (Maybe) Yes. To be said pretty is subjective but the way she brought herself into this world is amazing and I called it ridiculously beautiful, at least for me. Independent, intelligent, kind, stern and there are no words to describe how amazed my mother in my eyes.

She loves us. By us, I mean my siblings, my brothers, and her husband. Wholeheartedly. She loves me as a daughter though. To me, to love by her, that was more than enough because I see, I read and I know that there are (some) people who don't have the same privilege as mine. When I say privilege I cover things like a relationship, a bond between parents and children. Small talks, simple praises, small kisses, and small little things like I don't know or I can't imagine. Maybe to some parents, becoming parents means you have to sacrifice certain things in life. And I know some people not ready for it to happen soon.

Nevertheless, I am grateful for mine. I know I don't portray or display posts like everyone else. I always thought my love is quiet and....abstract? I just know that I love my parents as much as I keep their names in my prayer and I slowly perceive myself becoming like them.

My mother

It all started when I was young, sick, and naughty. That's what she always said to me. She teaches me mathematics. It just seems like yesterday, I still remember I failed to do my homework and catch up with the subtopic. I don't know how to solve the division question. Lol. And because of that, I have to sit in my pajamas on Saturday morning to the lunch hour just to make myself really really powerful on that topic. I did. My mother never sent me to school but I know she bought me, my first water bottle colored turquoise and I'm proudly wearing it on the first day of primary school. The teacher just has to ask everyone about each one of us ambition and write it on the book. I vividly remember my first ambition was to become a doctor. But, as time passes by, I wanted to be like my mother. My 8 years old wonder what my mother does for a living but I can recall that I want to be a woman with a career at the same time become a mother and wife to a small family.

Being the only daughter in this family, she always reminds me how to bring myself out. How to be an independent woman. I was 11 years old when my father had to go back and forth every weekend around 6 months from our rental house (City B) to Perak, his workplace to see us. The distance was crazy. I can still see in the back of my mind, we fetched my father at the train station at 2.00am  Saturday and I had to say goodbye again at 7.00am  Sunday. We have to live in that way. I don't understand why but I learn that I accept it. And because of that time, she was a parent to me, my mother is also my father on weekdays, and being that way, I have to learn to cook, doing laundry, taking care of my little brother, and ease her burden. It was worth it. The experience is so worth it. The Ramadhan month was a bit struggle for us. I don't know how to tell because I can't remember some pieces of memories about it but all I can say is we struggle in a different way but we managed to overcome until things become normal. For some reason, City B has become the most memorable place in my heart until today.

My mother

She gave me the best present when she decided to move here (SAC) and bring us along. I love this city with all my heart. I swear with every vein in my body (so dramatic I know). At first, I feel so hesitant and scared, because I have to live in a new environment, making new friends who I thought way different from what I had in my old town. But you know I had my heartbreak before I came to this city? I feel betrayed by some of my friends, and because of that, I didn't attend on the last day of school and unintentionally purposely came late to take my examination result. Lol, that kind of heartbreak. But as I grew older and out of school. I try to mend things, especially with my own feelings because I feel like things happened when I was teens and you know when they said teens are rebellious and stubborn, you have to believe that. So I rest my case for that. But you know there are some people who just move on with their life (or everything) and you just can't do anything about them. You smile and you also move on with everything that happened revolves around you.

Now, when we finally settle down I got to pick and paint my own room with my favorite color, we got to try a lot of things. By 'we' I mean for myself excitedly. I had a chance to bake cookies, cook, and try new recipes that I always want or I crave for. I got to do that with my mother who supports what I want. She let me explore and do new things on my own. Honestly, I feel happy and content because this is what I always wanted. I finally own her trust.

Of course, there are times where things just slip and out of hand like we just argue, bicker and I would just argue back. I yell. I slam the door. I make her cried. I made her worried. I despise her decision. I do some things behind her back. I'm not a daughter who she would always imagine for and I can't count how many times I just keep disappointing her. I deliberately missed her calls and casually said I love my father more than her. But, I will always come back to her. I will because she is my mother.

I realize it too late but they said it is better late than never.

I love my mother like I see her myself and I like that

Happy Mother's Day mother.

9.May.2021

,u12

0027

may the fourth be with you... to my used to be #1,

I'm sorry if I have to say that I will always be going to keep reminiscing our promises years ago back when we were still teens and a time when a lot of our friends didn’t know that I had this huge crush on you. It was silly, I know that, and today when I think about it again, I feel dreadfully embarrassed lol.

I mean at that time, we, accidentally become friends where I secretly put your name on one of 'my best friends' lists. We and Nia (not the real name here) are hanging at the library. Just to study, finishing the assignments during study week and you help me burn the CDs using my laptop. We hang out during the final season and someday I would bring us to the secret port which is the rooftop where there is not a lot of people who knew about that place at that time. The rooftop is my favorite spot. Hidden gems. It is because we can clearly see the whole view of our campus and mountains that I think it was just an undiscovered forest. 

And ever since then, I feel comfortable that I show you the other side of me you didn't know until  I heard you said:  "You are not the person that I thought you would be the first time I saw you". It's funny because I don't even know who am I. I am just a plain girl with big glasses who wore black shawl every day. Boring. That is what people used to claim me just because I let them. But you're not. You see me as a friend and I started to feel attached and charmed by your honest gesture. 

It was like you charmed me in a way I don’t know how and I don't know why

In spite of that, the day when you left this small city is the day I don't think I will ever visit the rooftop again. You decided to pursue in another field where I believe that is what you and your family always wanted just like mine. We couldn’t finish our studies and graduate together but still, we didn't lose contact. I still know some things about you that your friends don't and  I used to think it was a credit for me. Unfortunately, you still see me as a friend until I enroll in my degree. I still rant to you about all those days where I hate this life where everything is so new to me. I hate that I have to commute just to get to class and climb a hill of stairs. I hate that I know that I failed and I have to repeat o.c. paper. 

Until one day, I don't know how and I don't know why. Your charms never work on me anymore. It stopped. Maybe, just maybe because of all these unreciprocated feelings I receive or finally I learn to let some things go and the first thing I want is you. It simple. It was simple than I thought. Simple than the hardest pill I have to swallow when I got rejected. I guess I become more matured (lol). 

So, every fourth of may come. I still remember you because you turn a year older.

With everything left in me of you, you are my best friend and it will remain how it should be.

Goodbye,

,u12

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Dia kan, macam kau dah malas nak give a fuck or give a shit about this whole situation. Macam kau dah lali dan sebati dalam diri tetapi kau kena ambil tahu juga walaupun sedikit, kau kena tunjuk concern sebab ini melibatkan masa depan anak cucu cicit kau. 

0026

Did you ever think of settle down in some vacant city where the would be the least people but then you can call them yours? Just some thought of a perfect arc of colors, it came after heavy rain. The night is long and cold yet it approaches you like a loud bang on your front door.

Sometimes you complain. Your whole body is shivering and your lips start to turn blue still you love the weather and know it too well as the back of your hand. In your small kitchen stove, where the cattle start to whistle. You are too happy so you decided another day another hot coffee.

One of the days, you drag your feet to a small forest behind your wood cabin. There's a soft sound of crickets and the wind blows your hair as you walk through the trees. Until you hear the sound of waters running where you realize the existence of a waterfall. Breathtaking and thrilling.

This is the life that you dream of after so long, maybe.... peace is what your heart longing for.

Thus, I pray that May you found the peace you always desire  <3

,u12

0025

Satu hari nanti saya akan kecewakan abah

Saya akan pergi

Lari

Pada depa yang lebih selesa

Pada tangan yang lebih erat merangkul

Pada wajah yang lebih tenang dipandang

Tapi bukan abah,

Abah akan kecewa

Tapi abah kena tahu

Saya janji akan bahagia

Abah selalu yang pertama

Saya sayang dia juga

Abah, saya minta maaf awal awal

<3

,sm2

19/10/16

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What happened to one day you decided to get married? Well, I hope you will be in a family that you always dream of.

The man or husband of the year and soon your wife is pregnant with a child from your seed, You could protect them, especially your own daughter because children are a reflection of our past. Whatever you did back then, whatever words you spit and things you involved with... I hope that she would never be in the worst circumstances such as humiliated, traumatized, and having the anxiety to be living or born as a girl. When she realized, all men are the same, including her own 'beloved' father.

Sometimes, when I said men act and think through his balls, I mean men like this.

,u12

0024

there are three types of people when received bad news

People who sit and try to process what the fuck just happened
People who use google to google anything just to make things less worst, I guess
People who sad, grieving and mourning early

Out of these people, I am the last one.
Peace.

,u12

0023

I always remind myself like some mantra or chant that this going to happen, but I don’t think it will be this soon. After he was discharged around 4 years ago, I often talk to myself like a broken looping tape

“okay whatever happened, be ready because let's say...maybe, just maybe the worst will knock you down like a bitch. You know everyone talking and experienced about it but not everyone told you how to face it.”

or and something like that just because I want to prepare physically either mentally. I don't want to cry. I don't want to look like a sobbing mess or lost clueless girl. I want to be seen as a strong girl like how everyone sees me on daily basis. I want to be independent enough to handle my feelings.

However, things happened soon out of my expectations and out of reach or power. It's a God's Will. Suddenly, I feel like I was betrayed, again. Just like how I lost him a year ago but this time it happened to someone who is closer to me like really really close to my heart. I received the news with a shattered heart or like a horrendous tsunami just flood into our kitchen thus whatever mantra I told myself years ago is gone, vanish. All of a sudden I don't know how to react. Numb, speechless... those are the exact words I can think of right now.

I guess, all this time, I was totally wrong. Apart from me is living in a denial bubble. Any seconds I'm ready to burst and the reality never scared me until today. I hate to admit and I hate that with all my entire existence. 

Who doesn't though? What would you do when someone you love endearingly gotten sick? Apart from his organ in his body out of the blue decided to just stop functioning? 

At this time for once, I really wanted the world revolving around me so bad, like so so bad just like how I'm ready on my knees to beg things be how they used to be.

,u12

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Sahur di Kolej:

Bangun pukul 5.30,

capai roti gardenia bawah katil and minum satu botol air kosong

kemudian sambung tidur balik.

Sahur di Rumah:

Bangun pukul 5 dikejutkan oleh parents,

Kadang overnight oats

Kadang nasi ayam saki baki lauk berbuka semalam

Kadang Mee goreng kicap my favorite

Nugget, nasi putih dan kicap pun OnZz

Minum air gelas tinggi and sebiji vitamin C.

Iftar di Kolej:

Turun ke DC pukul 6.30 petang

lauk berbuka ayam, sayur and nasi putih.

makan dengan roommate

Iftar di Rumah:

A LOT✨

Bubur

Kuih muih

Air manis (my favorite air sirap)

Nasi dan lauk lauk unik (try and error recipes) yang dimasak seawal 4.30 petang

Makan with the whole family <3

Alhamdulillah

,u12

0022

Takut

takut dengan masa akan datang

takut dengan benda yang tak pasti, uncertainty

takut dengan ‘orang baru’ 

takut dengan rasa kehilangan yang selama lamanya

takut dengan benda yang boleh buat aku hilang waras

takut dengan hidup seorang diri, mati seorang diri, sunyi dan sepi

takut dengan orang yang mudah berjanji

takut dengan apabila berjanji, mudah sangat untuk tidak ditepati 

takut dengan luka lama yang berdarah semula

takut dengan luka yang berdarah di tempat yang sama

takut dengan perasaan yang terlalu bahagia kemudian esoknya bangun dengan hati yang kecewa

takut dengan terbuai oleh benda yang sementara

takut dengan bila tak sengaja mengecewakan hati anak teruna orang

takut dengan keluarga baru

takut dengan segulung sarjana atau segulung falsafah doktor, perjalanan jauh yang belum tentu

takut dengan dunia yang makin mengecewakan dalam semua aspek

takut dengan tidak boleh memberi kebahagiaan pada jiwa yang meminta atau mengharap

takut dengan tidak sempat berbakti pada orang tua dan famili

takut dengan terluka kemudian kecewa oleh mulut jahat orang sekeliling seperti saudara dan rakan baik

takut dengan amalan yang tidak diterima

takut dengan akhirat yang tak nampak,

takut dengan mati 

takut dengan malaikat yang mencabut nyawa

takut dengan diri sendiri

takut, sangat-sangat

,u12

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Kena belasah

Kena rompak/curi, hampir hilang maruah diri

Kena culik, hampir kena cabul

what the fuck? like what the actual fuck?

untitled

It doesn’t matter how hard you try

sometimes it never enough,

and I think, that’s O.K.

because when things happened

I just wish I didn’t push myself 'that' hard

because now look at me

I’m back at square 1

,u12

0021

Ya Allah ya Tuhanku
Yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Mengasihani
Junjungan selawat ke atas baginda Nabi Muhammad S.A.W

Ya Allah
Ampunkanlah dosa dosa kedua ibu bapaku
Ampunkanlah dosa guru-guruku dan pensyarah-pensyarahku
Ampunkanlah dosa adik beradikku
Ampunkanlah dosa dosa kawan kawan baikku,

Ya Allah, hanya kepadamu aku meminta
Engkau murahkanlah rezeki ibu bapaku,
permudahkanlah urusan harian mereka ya Allah,
panjangkanlah umur mereka dengan diberi kesihatan tubuh badan yang baik

Ya Allah,
Aku berdoa dan berlindung kepadaMu,
Engkau jauhilah keluargaku dari perbuatan khianat, keji, sihir buatan orang dan fitnah dajjal.
Berikanlah keluarga ini hidayahMu, bimbinglah keluarga ini kejalan kebenaranMu, jalan yang Engkau redhai ya Allah

Ya Allah,
Sesungguhnya, hanya kepadaMu aku meminta dan berdoa. 

Tiada pertolongan yang lain selainMu. 

Berikanlah aku kekuatan untuk terus ikhlas dan sabar dalam melakukan ibadah dan mencari RahmatMu

Aamin yaRabbal alamin

0020

malas

malas nak teruskan

malas nak hidup

bernyawa tetapi seperti ikan yang tak bertulang

lemah

layu

menggelupur

dianak tirikan, ditimang ditatang seperti minyak panas dan disimbah seperti orang tak sudi

this is too unfair but then again,

aku malas

0019

excerpt

the first couple of months

life like a plastic cup

light, throw, and tossed

the road has never been this rough

I feel my loss

and I'm tired just to be tough

remember I called

we talk and spilled

on everything and anything

but most of it

you heard me crying

you said it's okay

this is just a phase

life is fair, too fair

sometimes it betrays

you break and dent

it shapes you at the end

I really want to see you again

I waited for months

we sit in this local dining

my problem and I

we talking and listening

fast forward

to seven years later

I'm in the backseat of your car

just like we were fifteen

back from the beginning

,u12

0018

Moonochrome🌙

Exactly a year ago was my break-up anniversary. I made a drastic decision to broke up with him and my decision was quite selfish, ill, brutal, and you name it. But after we both went to talk and think through the breakup went easy. We parted ways with no curse, hateful words as it was more like understanding. I guess that’s what we called a mature relationship which I always wanted in the first place.

Ever since that minute (moment), I block/remove him from all my social media platforms. I didn’t think that was a childish move but I just, I'm not ready to be near with him at the moment. I know he curses me (or not) behind the back of his mind and loathes me because if I were him I would do the same. No matter how many times we say " I'm Okay, I'm Alright, I'm fine" to ourselves but I guess that was some lies that we try to feed. Just that I remember when Taylor sings :

“No one teaches you what to do
When a good man hurts you
And you know you hurt him, too”


- Happiness (evermore)

I felt that deeply and genuinely. I think the lyrics just slapped right on my face. I mean my first love on 23?, I was clueless as fuck, and how I wish I could do better in terms of handling my emotions and this whole relationship thing that I'm not ready to commit. I dig my own pit that I'm ready to jump. I built so many high walls and layers of barriers that I don't know why? Why in the first place I did that. I think deep down in my heart I'm scared. I'm scared of so many possibilities, what if on this...what if on that. . . What if I messed up things? What if he cannot accept who I am? What if. . . ? My overthinking and insecurities always get the best of me ha ha ha. The shittiest thing I did, probably being hard on him while he didn't deserve that a bit.

The first 3 months were the hardest phase, especially during the quarantine time. I can’t meet people, I don’t have friends to direct talk to because I prefer talking in person you know. I always slept at 3am, I totally messed up my sleep schedule. The worst times are probably night. I hate night because it always reminds me of a time when we were on the phone. Not only that, I started to think that the Universe really hates me. Every time I scroll my phone, the tweets, the songs and Instagram 'motivational' quotes blame me. Hence, that forces me to pick up a new hobby. For starters, I start to involve with the arts for fun. I watched youtube videos of oil pastels and so on. I feel temporarily happy and distracted until my class starts to open again. With that, my mind was fully concentrated on the final semester. I get busy with all the assignments, dateline, virtual discussion with my groups and online learning really make me exhausted. I'm glad about that.

Besides that, I started to writes again, not much just to cope with the heartache. I close my old blog and start the new one just because I just want a fresh start. Honestly, besides reading, writing can be a form of escapism. I got excited and also got lost during that. I'm happy, really. I feel like 17 years olds me again where my inspiration just spills like water. During that time I take a lot of time to reflect on my actions. It was like closure for me.

Matter of fact, I hate to admit that I always wanted to receive love rather than from myself. It's pathetic and I can't help it. Imagine in your entire existence, you need validation (reassurance) from someone to live? It's not wrong neither normal but whatever consequences come, don't you think I have to actually learn and put myself first? There are so many simple (explicit) questions that respond to big N0. Do I see myself as yeoja? Do I respect even myself? Do I really like my own reflection? I'm even ashamed of myself that I barely go out without having minor anxiety creeps in & others that I can't even talk about. I hate myself to some point I think I need to work on myself first. I hate to make this whole situation about me but believe me when I say there is no amount of remorse and apology I can pay to undo things, but all I can do is learn from my mistakes. Since I learn (so much) from him, he had given me a chance to feel love and to be loved and I can't thank him enough for that.

As the torture of months passed, I start to feel myself again. During the pandemic time, the person I miss the most is my Bibik Sofea. There are lots of unwritten poems and unspeakable words that could describe these feelings. Heck, I never told anyone about this including my parents. There are times I feel so wretched because I wish she could see me grown up just like she hoped for. I just wish she didn't leave me, pack her suitcase and left with worry. I kind of wish our goodbye was proper and ready because I was too young to experience that. What did you expect from a 14 years old girl who doesn't know anything about goodbye? Until today I'm still coping with her departure. I'm still learning from it, just until today. I also start to (try) reach some of my old friends although there is a tiny part of me scared to being friends again nonetheless I wanted to, I want to do it because of me (myself).

One of my bold moves is I start to post ALL archive pictures that I kept years back on my Instagram. It takes a lot of courage to do that because my biggest fear is being downgraded of anything and everything. Just to see the memories in monochrome makes me think that wow I really take my past (life) for granted. Along with it, I started to give more which is I know, I should do that before but I believe ' better late than never ' works on me. Also, I managed to make amends for the broken relationship. I know when I said I pushed people away for the sake of my sanity, I really did that. But I really want to work things out this time as long as we are on good terms, which is enough for me. I don't get away with peer pressure as I see a lot of my friends from high school to uni, some of them getting married, I am really happy for them. I do! until then. . . . 💝

,u12

untitled

so here's a tiny confession of mine;

I don't have a solid reason for being miserable when I see them happy

but I often wonder, when will it be my turn?

all my what if, why, and when including whom

those questions have been hanging around since then

these thoughts living in its wilderness are rooted and bare naked

just like the lonely frames in the greatest exhibition arts center

for years I imagined myself as the wild waves but right now, 

I feel like I'm one of the hard stones slammed by those wild waves

it hit so it stung and it shaped.

lonely? yes I admit

yet I kind of hope I am way of average

,u12

0017

you're shattering

shivering and all steps you took

wobble

you hold the knob

twist and turn

you try to unlock

I know you scared

me too, I thought I'm dead

you and your flashbacks

you wish you could

rewinding the tape

skip some tracks

just to get bleed

so you sit

you breathe and believe

we’ll be okay

she’ll be okay

you’ll be okay

you wanted to hear it so bad

so bad that you sob

I pulled you

and said, me too

I thought you dead

but I’m glad you back

,u12

0016

in these wide white walls

humans started to have faith

this worn out rug

my two knees dug

I desperately beg

I don't want you dead

,u12

0015

you love me so much

that so much breaks your heart?

you are out of the blue

your point of views

you lost your grip

you let the bottle slipped

he had a car collision

and a couple of broken bones

after so many phone calls

you and your decision

book the first plane,

as one-way ticket

you love him so much

that so much I helped you pack

,u12

0014

the past, future, and everything else lies within

happy new year, 2021

under the glass rooftop

I watch the raindrops

and for once

I shouldn't give away all the chances

I see the car passing by

I lied

because my tongue was cut-tied

I should take the ride

I know

on the passenger side

through your window

I realize

I'm not that tough

so here you see me

under this tree

this bus top bench

I am all drench

,u12