Don't people think how beautiful, enchanted and I don't know other synonyms than these two words but again, I think it is abstractly beautiful how it takes a lot of effort or courage for a person for being the one who starts or leads the whole conversation first. I know, I know I sound like. . . pathetic? Pathetic in the terms of simply swooning over simple things? But if those simple things make me happy, why not?
If it were me, I don't think I have the courage to starts the conversation first. I mean, come on. . . I don't even have the energy to reply to the conversation in the first place except to important things or people. Depends. I just think the phase is over. Like K.O. Uh-uh. You see the red lines I draw? It's getting thicker day by day. We are over and just like how Taylor once said "We are never ever ever, getting back together" By "we" I mean me and my inner self.
But as days go by I'm not going to lie, I miss my friends. I miss them especially when I remember those days when we used to hang out during the class break, after class, at the cafeteria, and the whole time we spend on the faculty. I miss the small things we did. I miss when we fail and we still have each other to comfort <3. But Miss pandemic really said 'No bitch, move! it's my time to shine✨✨✨and here let me make your life interesting by this new variants/virus you needed😈'
I'm grateful for some of my friends who reach me, keep in touch with me, saying HAI. Those concerns moved me. I appreciate it. Not all heroes wear a cape, some of them start to text you first. LOL. I mean. . . I'm sorry for the ignorance but I'm trying because I'm just. . . happy and depressed in my own bubble. Let me explain that sentence just because I'm not trying to be more pathetic than I am.
When they said introverts are happy on their own. You have to believe them (introvert). I realized how happy I am because I am one of them. But I'm not going to lie, sometimes I feel depressed or stressed or whatever people called. The fact that I am happy like I'm fucking happy over the moon where I don't have to meet people because of this pandemic, staying inside the house, just me, my cat, and my small family doing our usual rituals. Ops just kidding. . . unless😏 nope just kidding, just kidding😁(blink twice if you need help LOL) but that happiness sometimes can take its's toll on its own. It's like YES you'll be happy, YES you fucking happy like finally but SIKE! you pay it with the price of overthinking and. . . yeah. . . just. . . overthinking.
Maybe this is what you get when you graduated in the mid of the pandemic. You are jobless, unemployed, single, broke, ugly, sad, and depressed. What a combination and what a potion of curse in a bowl! I feel like those people who are in the same boat as I have a lot of things to say or convince themselves. We can do this. Those storms will pass eventually. That's what I've been telling myself. Everyday.
I see my peers already got their own (stable) jobs, are engaged, married, pregnant and finally have their own kids. That is what a Fifteen-year-old me want. This is what a teenager me dreams of. Such a perfect life in a perfect picture. But a 24 years old me would not agree to that and come to realize. . .
She realized, like finally fucking realized adulting is hard. And those perfect pictures I have to slowly swallow the bitter truth of life. It doesn't end with rainbows and unicorns with one head but life can turn as dark as 3am, betrayed you, and hurt you more than you can imagine.
And hey that's okay. It's okay because when the daylight comes, it's beautiful. I promise. I promise it is better than the rainbows and unicorns💝.
.u12