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I always remind myself like some mantra or chant that this going to happen, but I don’t think it will be this soon. After he was discharged around 4 years ago, I often talk to myself like a broken looping tape

“okay whatever happened, be ready because let's say...maybe, just maybe the worst will knock you down like a bitch. You know everyone talking and experienced about it but not everyone told you how to face it.”

or and something like that just because I want to prepare physically either mentally. I don't want to cry. I don't want to look like a sobbing mess or lost clueless girl. I want to be seen as a strong girl like how everyone sees me on daily basis. I want to be independent enough to handle my feelings.

However, things happened soon out of my expectations and out of reach or power. It's a God's Will. Suddenly, I feel like I was betrayed, again. Just like how I lost him a year ago but this time it happened to someone who is closer to me like really really close to my heart. I received the news with a shattered heart or like a horrendous tsunami just flood into our kitchen thus whatever mantra I told myself years ago is gone, vanish. All of a sudden I don't know how to react. Numb, speechless... those are the exact words I can think of right now.

I guess, all this time, I was totally wrong. Apart from me is living in a denial bubble. Any seconds I'm ready to burst and the reality never scared me until today. I hate to admit and I hate that with all my entire existence. 

Who doesn't though? What would you do when someone you love endearingly gotten sick? Apart from his organ in his body out of the blue decided to just stop functioning? 

At this time for once, I really wanted the world revolving around me so bad, like so so bad just like how I'm ready on my knees to beg things be how they used to be.

,u12