Exactly a year ago was my break-up anniversary. I made a drastic decision to broke up with him and my decision was quite selfish, ill, brutal, and you name it. But after we both went to talk and think through the breakup went easy. We parted ways with no curse, hateful words as it was more like understanding. I guess that’s what we called a mature relationship which I always wanted in the first place.
Ever since that minute (moment), I block/remove him from all my social media platforms. I didn’t think that was a childish move but I just, I'm not ready to be near with him at the moment. I know he curses me (or not) behind the back of his mind and loathes me because if I were him I would do the same. No matter how many times we say " I'm Okay, I'm Alright, I'm fine" to ourselves but I guess that was some lies that we try to feed. Just that I remember when Taylor sings :
“No one teaches you what to do
When a good man hurts you
And you know you hurt him, too”
- Happiness (evermore)
I felt that deeply and genuinely. I think the lyrics just slapped right on my face. I mean my first love on 23?, I was clueless as fuck, and how I wish I could do better in terms of handling my emotions and this whole relationship thing that I'm not ready to commit. I dig my own pit that I'm ready to jump. I built so many high walls and layers of barriers that I don't know why? Why in the first place I did that. I think deep down in my heart I'm scared. I'm scared of so many possibilities, what if on this...what if on that. . . What if I messed up things? What if he cannot accept who I am? What if. . . ? My overthinking and insecurities always get the best of me ha ha ha. The shittiest thing I did, probably being hard on him while he didn't deserve that a bit.
The first 3 months were the hardest phase, especially during the quarantine time. I can’t meet people, I don’t have friends to direct talk to because I prefer talking in person you know. I always slept at 3am, I totally messed up my sleep schedule. The worst times are probably night. I hate night because it always reminds me of a time when we were on the phone. Not only that, I started to think that the Universe really hates me. Every time I scroll my phone, the tweets, the songs and Instagram 'motivational' quotes blame me. Hence, that forces me to pick up a new hobby. For starters, I start to involve with the arts for fun. I watched youtube videos of oil pastels and so on. I feel temporarily happy and distracted until my class starts to open again. With that, my mind was fully concentrated on the final semester. I get busy with all the assignments, dateline, virtual discussion with my groups and online learning really make me exhausted. I'm glad about that.
Besides that, I started to writes again, not much just to cope with the heartache. I close my old blog and start the new one just because I just want a fresh start. Honestly, besides reading, writing can be a form of escapism. I got excited and also got lost during that. I'm happy, really. I feel like 17 years olds me again where my inspiration just spills like water. During that time I take a lot of time to reflect on my actions. It was like closure for me.
Matter of fact, I hate to admit that I always wanted to receive love rather than from myself. It's pathetic and I can't help it. Imagine in your entire existence, you need validation (reassurance) from someone to live? It's not wrong neither normal but whatever consequences come, don't you think I have to actually learn and put myself first? There are so many simple (explicit) questions that respond to big N0. Do I see myself as yeoja? Do I respect even myself? Do I really like my own reflection? I'm even ashamed of myself that I barely go out without having minor anxiety creeps in & others that I can't even talk about. I hate myself to some point I think I need to work on myself first. I hate to make this whole situation about me but believe me when I say there is no amount of remorse and apology I can pay to undo things, but all I can do is learn from my mistakes. Since I learn (so much) from him, he had given me a chance to feel love and to be loved and I can't thank him enough for that.
As the torture of months passed, I start to feel myself again. During the pandemic time, the person I miss the most is my Bibik Sofea. There are lots of unwritten poems and unspeakable words that could describe these feelings. Heck, I never told anyone about this including my parents. There are times I feel so wretched because I wish she could see me grown up just like she hoped for. I just wish she didn't leave me, pack her suitcase and left with worry. I kind of wish our goodbye was proper and ready because I was too young to experience that. What did you expect from a 14 years old girl who doesn't know anything about goodbye? Until today I'm still coping with her departure. I'm still learning from it, just until today. I also start to (try) reach some of my old friends although there is a tiny part of me scared to being friends again nonetheless I wanted to, I want to do it because of me (myself).
One of my bold moves is I start to post ALL archive pictures that I kept years back on my Instagram. It takes a lot of courage to do that because my biggest fear is being downgraded of anything and everything. Just to see the memories in monochrome makes me think that wow I really take my past (life) for granted. Along with it, I started to give more which is I know, I should do that before but I believe ' better late than never ' works on me. Also, I managed to make amends for the broken relationship. I know when I said I pushed people away for the sake of my sanity, I really did that. But I really want to work things out this time as long as we are on good terms, which is enough for me. I don't get away with peer pressure as I see a lot of my friends from high school to uni, some of them getting married, I am really happy for them. I do! until then. . . . 💝
,u12
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